Do your kids know you love them?

I mean, do they really know, beyond a shadow of a doubt?

How?

This is a hard question to ask myself as a parent. I might say I love them. I certainly tell them I love them. And I’m sure we can all think of ways we show them we love them.

But are they getting the message? And if they aren’t, I have to look in the mirror to see how I can fix the way the message is being delivered.

A good friend and mentor of mine likes to use the mantra that we must give roses while people are alive. Funerals are filled with flowers, but why wait until then to tell someone how you feel about them? We shouldn’t wait to tell our kids how we feel about them either.

So, here are a few ways I challenge myself to make sure my kids are getting the message of my love. Hopefully this sparks some ideas in you too, because our kids don’t just need our love, they need to KNOW they are loved.

Tell Them How Talented They Are

Find a talent they have or even show a small inkling of having, and tell them about it! It could be anything. They might be good at throwing a ball, or making funny voices, or having a good memory, or telling ridiculous stories. It could also be character traits you notice like being kind to a stranger, or sharing a toy with a friend, or showing some responsibility for putting things away.

As you look for the things they are good at doing, you will begin to find even more than you expected. Then tell them about how talented they are at those things.

You might be thinking you don’t want to give your kid a big head or inflate their confidence. Don’t worry, the world is endeavoring to tell them they aren’t good enough every day. The least you can do is work to combat those messages. More on that in a minute.

Tell Them How Grateful You Are to Be Their Parent

I mean, like, really tell them. I get eye level with my kids and tell them, with emotion in my voice and on my face, how grateful I am to be THEIR dad. God could have given me any other kid in the world, but He let me be THEIR dad, and I’m so grateful for that.

Put it in your own words and your own voice, but make sure they don’t just hear you say the words. Make sure they feel you say the words. Kids know when you’re bluffing and when you really mean something.

Tell Them They Are Your Favorite

No, I’m not saying to play favorites, or to make them think they are your favorite over any siblings they might have. The way this plays out in our family is I tell Noah he is my favorite Noah, David is my favorite David, and Selah is my favorite Selah. If you have a kid with one of these names, I’m sorry, they are not my favorite, but I hope they are your favorite.

Each kid hears me say this to the other kids sometimes too, and they take no offense. This indirectly reinforces their individuality. David can’t be my favorite Noah, and Noah can’t be my favorite David. They are different in name, personality, and everything else, and this calls that out and makes it a celebrated thing. They have come to understand my heart, and who doesn’t like to hear they are the favorite to someone.

Pray in Front of Them and Tell God About Them

I try to pray in front of my kids often, and I encourage them to pray in front of Eden and I and each other. When I pray, I tell God how thankful I am to be their parent. It’s kind of like letting them hear you tell a good secret about them.

I am also brutally honest about my parenting when I pray in front of them. I say things like, “God, please let your grace cover my gaps as a parent.” Or, I have a tendency to be sarcastic when I’m reprimanding them. That comes across as condescending and demeaning to them. So, I pray things like, “God, help me not to be sarcastic with the kids you’ve given me.” I want them to hear me praying for my deficiencies as a parent. This indirectly tells them I have deficiencies, I am aware of them, and it’s ok to acknowledge them.

My hope is that they, in turn, feel comfortable admitting their deficiencies. I tell them all the time, no one expects you to be perfect, and I don’t even want you to be perfect. These prayers are my way of bearing that out in front of them.

Overdo It

Author and leadership consultant, Patrick Lencioni, says the CEO of a company is also the CRO, or the Chief Reminding Officer. It is the role of the CEO to make sure everyone in the organization is constantly reminded and aware of the mission. As a leader in my home, it’s my job to ensure my kids are constantly reminded of how much they are loved and valued. This sets the foundation for them to pursue the mission we set as a family.

If you think you have told your kids how much you love them enough times, tell them again. They are being bombarded with messages of inadequacy everywhere they turn. They are constantly comparing themselves to their friends, and if your kids are old enough to have social media, then those messages are multiplied even more.

Additionally, think about the message they are receiving from the way they hear adults talk about athletes or political leaders. It is not a far leap for them to think, “if that’s the way they feel about those ‘important’ people, how do they feel about me when I mess up?”

One way I overdo it with my kids is through a little repetitive secret I tell them. It goes like this:

“Noah, I have to tell you something.” Then I will get closer to him.

“It’s really important.” Then I will get really close to him.

“Like super duper important.” Then I get uncomfortably close until he starts laughing, and I will whisper in his ear.

“I……..love………YOU!” and I shout ‘you’ while wrestling with him and repeating “I love you” over and over again.

It’s super cheesy, super lame, and has become an endearing game we play that’s OUR thing. I share it with you as an example and to encourage you with whatever lame or cheesy thing you might have going. If it helps them know you love them, don’t stop, because knowing they are loved is one of the best gifts you could ever give them.

#daddylessons