According to Selah: “Is it like something that really affects you?”

Well, affection SHOULD really affect you…

According to David: “Is it like cause and effect?”

Hm, I mean, it SHOULD cause an effect…

According to Noah: “When you’re friendly and show your love.”

There it is!

Those are the definitions of Affection according to each of my kids. The dictionary describes Affection as “a feeling of liking and caring for someone or something” or “a gentle feeling of fondness or liking.”

Affection is the glue that keeps our relationships with our kids strong. It’s the way we remind them they’re safe, valued, and cherished—even when they’re tracking mud through the house or using the couch cushions as a wrestling ring.

You can hear the importance of affection when you hear other adults talk about their parents, usually a father, and say “I know my dad loved me but he didn’t show a lot of affection.” There’s a disconnect between the head knowledge of love and the heart knowledge of love. Affection is the bridge to establishing that connection.

As a dad, showing affection isn’t about grand gestures—it’s about the everyday moments that tell our kids, “You are deeply loved, no matter what.” And sometimes those moments come at the most inconvenient times.

It’s the end of the day, you’re tired, and it’s already past bedtime. The kids have already used all their tricks to delay bedtime (you are JUST NOW figuring out that you’re thirsty!?), and then comes the ultimate question, “Daddy, will you snuggle me?”

What do you do?

For me, I’ve decided that I will say Yes to this question as often as I possibly can, because some day soon, they will stop asking. I want to do everything I can to make sure they know they are deeply loved, no matter what. No matter how tired I am, no matter what time it is, and no matter what kind of day we’ve had.

Honestly, sometimes they just need a couple minutes to help their heart feel settled and to FEEL the love they KNOW you have for them. I’m still a work in progress on this, but progress is better than digress (Is that a saying? If not, it should be!).

Actions Speak Louder Than Words (But Words Matter Too)

Let’s face it—affection can feel a little awkward sometimes. For working dads, it’s easy to get stuck in the “provider” role and forget that our kids need our affection as much as they need dinner on the table. A quick hug before they leave for school, a “Hey, I’m proud of you” after they bring home a good report or grade, or even an impromptu dance-off in the kitchen can speak volumes.

A small but powerful way to show affection is simply by being present. A few years ago, I made the mistake of trying to multitask while “playing” with my kids. My youngest, wise beyond her years, called me out: “Dad, you’re here, but you’re not here.” Ouch. Lesson learned. Now, when I’m with them, I try hard to be all in.

Be where your feet are.

Affection Isn’t Always Serious

Sometimes, affection looks like an epic pillow fight or sneaking an extra cookie onto their plate when Mom isn’t looking (don’t tell her I said that). It’s about creating moments of connection, no matter how silly or small. One of my favorite traditions is tucking the kids in at night asking if I could tell them something. It usually goes like this:

Can I tell you something?

It’s really important?

It’s probably THE MOST important thing?

(at this point they know what’s coming and have already started giggling, or rolling their eyes and smiling, depending on their age.)

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! (and I go on repeating it while poking and tickling until full on laughter ensues.)

It’s super cheesy, super goofy, but expresses my affection in a special way. Most importantly, it’s something that is OUR THING.

So, how do we take action with affection? Because I’m an action-oriented type of person, and you probably are too, here are a few ways we can put affection into action:

1. Know Their Language: Some kids thrive on physical touch, others light up with words of affirmation, and some just want your undivided attention. Figure out what speaks to them. Using the bedtime snuggles as an example, one of my kids will cling to my back when I lay with them while another may not even touch, but just the presence of being there is enough. You know how your wife has a love language? Your kids do too. Learn it!
2. Keep It Light: Affection doesn’t have to be a Hallmark moment. Humor and playfulness can go a long way in building connection. The music isn’t going to come to a crescendo while the spotlight gets brighter and the angels sing from on high to illuminate a moment to show affection has arrived. Be aware to notice those moments, and do your best to take advantage of them in small ways.
3. Make It a Habit: Whether it’s a hug, a fist bump, a special handshake, or a ridiculous nickname, find a way to weave affection into your daily routine. Pick one thing that fits you and your kids and try to make it a daily habit for the next two weeks. Then build from there.

At the end of the day, our kids won’t remember every lecture we gave or chore chart we created. What will stick with them are the moments they felt seen, valued, and loved. Affection—whether it’s a goofy joke, a tight hug, or just sitting together in quiet—has a way of planting seeds in their hearts that will grow for a long time.

So, go ahead: hug your kids, tell them you love them, and don’t be afraid to embarrass them a little with your cheesy dad jokes. They’ll thank you for it someday.